• Hope At It’s Smallest

    My pain has been harder and harder to function with lately. As a woman who lives with chronic illness and pain, I try to not spend much time thinking about how my illness will evolve over time, it doesn’t help me in the moment… and the handful of moments I do spend imagining the future has more to do with practicality, and making smart choices in the present. My bad pain days tend to roll into one another. I have various therapies that have been really helpful, but circumstances aren’t ideal at the moment. Resources are low. “At the moment” is generous, it’s a hope-door that I like to leave…

  • Sing a little louder

    I was in church this morning and a song was heavy on my heart. It wasn’t a song sung on the stage, it was whispered in my ear by the Holy Spirit. More on that in a moment. It’s been a while since I’ve posted my thoughts on my blog, rather than my Facebook page. Some of that is due to simplicity, some of that is because my Epilepsy + EDS were overwhelming to manage. It’s always a delicate balance, how do you put that into words without sounding absolutely fragile in the process? Honestly, you don’t. And I am fragile… but I don’t need bubble wrap, I need strength.…

  • Purpose: what’s the point?

    In January 2018 Jason and I sat down to coffee with a another couple… I was stoked. I wore my cute clothes and fixed my hair (I had a 6 month old, this was a big deal!) Upon sitting down with them and answering some ice breaking type questions where we were asked how we feel about our life… all of our vulnerability was met with “well, I want you to know that our life is a 10 out of 10, and your life could be a 10 also if you submit to the mentorship by such and such people, and do xyz. But first we need to see if…

  • Seize The Moment

    My good friends are rolling their eyes right now, because my article’s title is so sacrilegious. Yes, I know it is… keep reading.   I’m 29 years old. I was speaking with a friend this evening about my health, and my life up to this moment, and I told her, “It’s been a long 20s, I’m excited to turn 30 next years.” It’s been a long 20s, I’ve done so much in this decade, It feels like multiple lifetimes. I turned 20 on a furlough from mission work I was doing in Mexico. What you don’t know is that this furlough took place during the H1N1 epidemic that swept the…

  • It’s Not About Kavanaugh (Healing Isn’t Linear)

    There’s a very real part of me that is thankful so much discussion and awareness is being brought to sexual assault. Personally, I’ve spent all of my adult life peeling back layers of my experience with sexual assault. Finding the places where healing was still needed, finding the tools that helped me cope. I forgave my perpetrator a long time ago, but forgiveness doesn’t erase trauma. Trauma is a chemical in the brain, not just a thing that happened to you. Limbic memories are sometimes made during the Fight or Flight process, the limbic system is essentially an alarm system. My limbic system is still working on trust, even while…

  • Messy middle and public school

    I’ve felt a lot of “middle” this week. For those who don’t know, or are just tuning in, I am the lucky momma to a neurodivergent little girl named G. What this means for me is that most of our parenting is actually just like your parenting… we don’t know what we’re doing, but we’re willing to figure it out! (If you haven’t realized already, parenting is basically ‘Whose Line Is It Anyway: where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter’.) We enrolled G in public school while we explore what’s going on with my health, and we have been fortunate to have good experiences with her school staff…

  • Raising Autism: celebrating out of the box Being.

    I have been a parent for 5 years to a beautiful girl named G. With each additional sibling, we would adjust and maneuver our way into a new normal. It would hurt like hell, but it was OURS and we fought for that beautifully complex normal. When my oldest was 2 I began to suspect she was “different.” I don’t use that word lightly; I have worked with children since I was a child myself… I had seen this before, but in my naivety I assumed it was a nurture problem, not a nature problem. My oldest daughter was an amazing baby— as long as we kept her routine. I…

  • Skyscraper: To those with a few broken windows…

    A few years ago when I heard the song Sky Scraper (Demi Lovato) for the first time, I immediately saved it to a playlist of songs that make me feel powerful. This song isn’t an upbeat typical exercise song, but I’ve found that it’s very special. Whether you are in the midst of a difficult relapse, a flare, a deep depression, etc… it’s for you. The song opens with “Skies are crying, I am watching. Catching tear drops in my hands. Only silence has it’s endings, like we never had a chance. Do you have to make me feel like there’s nothing left of me?” In my darkest hours, my…

  • Message to my girls on my bad days

    Today is one of those days where I just don’t have it in me. What is “it” you ask? Motherhood. I cannot mom right now. Well, better phrased, I cannot live up to what I thought moms were supposed to be, right now. One of you gave the other a black eye this week… one of you is a lot better at dishing it out than taking it. I have emergency Lays chips in the cabinet… we’re currently trying to eat cleaner to reduce our frequent health issues, but we’re always just a meltdown away from handing you a Lays and eating Papa Murphy’s for dinner. Laundry… oh, laundry. Where…

  • Be all there

    This was taken on my walk through the Rose Gardens the other night. In my heart, I wasn’t just in a tucked away garden in the middle of Tulsa… I was as excited as if I were exploring the Redwood Forest, or walking through meadows in Yellow Stone, or on a hike through the Appalachians. Some of these places I have seen before, some I have not… I used say, “Someday when we can afford to go on adventures…” But I’m realizing how insignificant money truly is in the grand scheme of things. Money calls the shots so often… the only thing money cannot do is give me experiences. I…