My pain has been harder and harder to function with lately. As a woman who lives with chronic illness and pain, I try to not spend much time thinking about how my illness will evolve over time, it doesn’t help me in the moment… and the handful of moments I do spend imagining the future has more to do with practicality, and making smart choices in the present. My bad pain days tend to roll into one another. I have various therapies that have been really helpful, but circumstances aren’t ideal at the moment. Resources are low.
“At the moment” is generous, it’s a hope-door that I like to leave open when I speak to myself about my health. You see, insurance red tape may be an obstacle, but it’s not the end of the road. Unemployment may throw a wrench in things, but a few interviews later and it’s a thing of the past. Of course these things are hard, but they are short term. At the moment some things are tricky and sticky and difficult to manage— but only some things.
There was a message series at Life.Church this month called “Anxious for nothing” that has consistently given me good things to ponder. These obstacles, these pains and stresses are all-encompassing at times… it can be physically or metaphorically blinding. No matter how full it feels, I remind myself that it may be loud right now, but I choose to leave a hope-door. ‘At this moment’ it’s hard to breathe, my goals feel a little hard to reach, but #hopedoor it’s just a moment.
It may be THIS moment, and this moment may be hard to see outside of… that’s why I’ve made ‘Hope’ a core belief. I’ve survived so many hard days, and I’ve been blessed overflowing with my good days; so on days like these I leave a door open “I can’t wait to look back someday, once things are different, to see how we got creative, and God delivered.” It’s not about escaping the hard, but seeing that my life isn’t over now that I live with pain.
“Hope, at it’s smallest, stirs a fight.” And I’m going to give these illnesses one hell of a fight.
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